Well I get asked often:
- how the hell do you wake up to go to the gym at 0500?
- how the hell do you just have so much energy?
- how the hell do you workout twice a day?
- how the hell are you doing anything that you are doing?
I look like a nasty blubber belly bitch that's why. I mean let's keep it real I stand in front of the mirror and I cry and then I have pity parties with my self and I think damn Sasha WTF happened to you? How did you let it get this fucking bad that you can't even look at yourself in the mirror anymore?
That's easy for me to answer and I really only have the honest truth to say to that. It all started out as a bet. I mean let's face it I have always disliked the fact that I came to the UK and really put on weight. From steroid shots, surgeries, medication and everything just playing a factor in my weight I think my biggest thing that added on to it was I was that girl who turned to food and over eating. I mean for the first time in my life I was a stay at home mom and I got lazy .. really lazy. I made sure my house was clean, dinner was cooked, my kids were my priority and so was sitting on the computer with a few cans of pepsi, about 4-5 LARGE Aero chocolate bricks with a box of hot tamales. I wasn't a nasty lazy person with a dirty ass house I was a hungry fucking pig and didn't give a fuck about the gym because I was too caught up in my world of hurt feelings, being sad and just no friends. So when I got tired of scarfing down the candy and feeling sorry for myself for 5 minutes. I would drive all the way on base to burger king and grab a double whopper meal and a large pizza and sometimes finish half of it so that I didn't have to share. Then I saw my stomach, back ass, neck rolls and all that start to grow. I could not blame anything or anyone but myself. I put on an extra 50lbs here in the UK in less than 3 years.
WHY the fuck did I do that to myself I am asking now.
People see me around here have no idea that I was a size 12 and 165lbs on a LIGHT day and looking fucking amazing. A runner, basketball player, powder puff girl and all that shit. So some sit back and try and give me fucking advice like I am dumb to being an athlete, like I have NO clue about how to go about doing shit, workout, lift weights. I sit back and take it but I must admit it's kind of annoying. I don't need advice on how to eat, what to eat and all that shit. I need SUPPORT SYSTEM to get off the couch and go, not your type of attitude of I think I am the best at everything so since you look like a fat pig and now I am where I want to be let me forget where I came from attitude .. so I can try and make you feel like you can't do shit. So I ignore it. If I ask you for your opinion then damn it by all means SLAY me to death but if I don't .. really just keep it moving. I think it's because I am so OVER it.
I am my biggest motivator. I don't have shit to prove to anyone but my damn self. I don't need 100 likes on my post on FB when I say I lost 9 inches or 100 comments of congratulations BUT you know what I do notice let me post some BULLSHIT DRAMA or SOME KEEP IT REAL SHIT and AL THE DAMN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD will have something to say on that status update and LIKE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. People see what they want to see and support what they want to support. I call them HATERS HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT.
So yes I am motivated and determined. I am not happy with how I look, I am quite frankly disgusted with myself. I was that girl that always had her hair done, nails done, weekly pedicures, waxed up, smelling so good and just looking and feeling amazing even if my hair was just in a ponytail. I knew how to carry myself and I felt like a woman. I turned into a girl that has not seen a pedicure bowl in almost 3 years, can't remember the last time I got a manicure, I barely get my hair done and even when I do it's not like I am use to like back where they freak the shit out of you. It's just I feel like I was settling but with myself and I turned that into depression. I ate more. So what did I do. I was getting ready to purchase tickets for a cruise. Yep that's right a cruise me, myself and I and my husband said if you can lose 60lbs while I am gone I will get the cruise instead. So I said GAME ON .. but it started out slowly because I was kicking ass in the gym but still eating like a little obese bitch on steroids and my steroids was FOOD.
I was still sneaking. I started out HARD CORE though in December 2012 and I cold turkey cut out sodas and candy. It was HARD but worth it did I lose a few pounds mmm maybe but not really. I was still getting a little bigger and then I realized oh damn cut out the McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Food Court, Chinese Food, junk food and all that sneaky stuff I was doing. Yeah sneaky like I would grab a handful of oatmeal cookies and then hide them in a napkin and go to my room and put them under my pillow and eat like 12 of them while I watched tv and then come down stairs like nothing happened. I was still working out mind you and getting mad that I had no results. WELL DUH.
I know sickening right. Yeah well fuck you because I am human and don't need your judgement I am a tough enough critic on myself. So anyway once I got over the binge eating and a heart to heart REAL TALK conversation with my husband I realized that I needed to do it. I can admit if you think I am brutally honest and hurt a fuckers feelings without thinking twice about it .. shit you have got to meet the man I married. Considering when he met me I was 145lbs. Now don't get me wrong he has always thought I was a beautiful woman but it's like he says every single time I wanted to lose weight it was a gimmick, fad diet, doing what someone else was doing, ordering products because I saw someone else doing it but not being consistent with it so it pissed him off why not only because I was wasting damn money but because it was not really for me and what I needed so he stopped being that support I needed .. and you know what it's like a drug addict you can only do so much for a person before you have to let them be on their own and get there. I NEEDED THAT and thank you lord he is not here to see me do this because I honestly want to surprise him and say LOOK MOTHERFUCKER at what I did WITHOUT YOU and FOR ME and THANK YOU. He is always telling me how proud he is of me. Now when we talk instead of asking how my day was lol he is always asking HOW WAS SPIN CLASS. LOLOL He knows that once I get started with something and I fall in love with it there is no turning back. I can be the only person in spin class and I won't leave I will still kick ass as if there are 30 people in the room. DETERMINATION.
So what did it .. let's see could it be the size 16 jeans I have to put on. could it be the XL shirts I have to wear, could it be the invisible feeling you get when you walk into to a room. Or could it just be a mental thing. DAMN RIGHT it's all mental I love ME as a person but not how I look so I feel like I have FAILED MY BODY. I am motivated everytime I see the inches fall off my body, I am motivated and determined everytime my kids say mama your neck is slimming down, I am motivated everytime I go outside to play with my kids I am not WINDED or feeling like I have to faint. I am motivated when I have to buy new panties.
I get up at 0415 because I know that sleeping in all day everyday is just another form of laziness when in fact I can go ahead get up while the house is asleep, work out of 1 hour come home and then have POSITIVE energy and be ready for my kids when they rise. I can have that breakfast already cooked for them and already have my day planned. Not hop on facebook just to see what the fuck everybody else is doing and hate on the fact that they get to do all the things my lazy ass SHOULD DO but I am being to pathetic and sit online all day even when the sun is shining. SORRY NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I get out with my kids and we have a BEAUTIFUL time together as a family.
I have so much energy because I CHOOSE to have so much energy. Even though I am dying inside sometimes because I feel like a roll or two is showing too much and my glasses make me look like a typical dork I find that burst of pleasure of knowing that when I smile I FEEL good about what is going on and I have energy because the lord blessed me with another day to do something for myself and my family. THAT's WHY.
I workout twice a day because damn it I have a goal and a mission. I have clothes that I want to see myself in again, I have stilettos I wanna rock, I have long hair growing that I want to flow in the wind just like my body will. I want to bring the 5'10 frame back to LIFE. I want to have sex like the world is about to end and be confident when I am mounting my man on top and not feeling like I have to hide scars and rolls. I want to feel like a million bucks when I am naked and I want to BLEEED confidence again. I want the old me back .. I don't want to look like your typical saggy ass spouse that has no excuse about why they look the way they do .. all because they had a few kids, started staying at home and go lazy .. FUCK THAT I am still a representation of my family and I need to be a better ROLE MODEL for my kids. I don't blend in I stand out .. so I am back bitches.
I do everything that I am doing because I want to and I have put my mind too it. No struggles in my life are going to keep me OUT of the gym if anything they are going to put me IN the gym to burn off that sorry and heart ache. I went through some painful shit in my life a few weeks ago and I am STILL HURTING from it. I am still sad and just heart broken over it but you know what you would never know that because I choose to RISE and SMILE. So instead of being a hater hiding in plain sight. Leave comments, show people support, don't just support your friends only or your "workout" buddies. I mean if you yourself made an attempt to go to the gym ONE TIME and you never went back .. REALLY what does that say about YOU? Think about it .. you let what defeat you. Better take your fucking problems out on that pavement, track, gym, bike s, weights or whatever .. but don't be a failure because you didn't put up the 100% effort to begin with .. I'm just saying. Like my friend Yashauna always says "Don't watch me .. watch TV".
Time for me to go and wash down this protein shake with a bottle of water.
GET SOME! Feel free to comment below!Follow my blog with Bloglovin