my story

this is just 10% of what I have to say .. and a lot of f-bombs

I was born into the Army world, joined the Air Force and married a man in the Air Force .. so needless to say I have moved every 2-4 years of my life .. and have seen so many different parts of this world I cannot even count.  We are currently stationed in England and this is the last mandatory hoorah for us.

 The man wants to go  back to GA or AL and I am stomping my feet very hard because I have no connection to my family as I should because I have never really been around them.  It was always in splurts and not enough time.  If were to be around them half of them on my Fathers side of the family would hurt me and I was never really allowed to spend time with anyone on my Mothers side of the family in Atlanta, and I could tell that decision would bother my mother a lot.  They always stuck me in the country thinking I was safe and instead of see'ing the signs and things wrong with their children they would punish us (never listening to their child not realizing she already been punished enough), and then punish us more by keeping us in an unhealthy and not so safe environment.  The same thing would happen when they would have us just go to these friends houses or babysitters with different boyfriends. I think at the time they were so "secure" in their careers and climbing that they at the time were untouchable and made a very good name for themselves .. so pretty much whatever they did went. My mom was hardly ever around and man do I wish she was.  My father would get so bold and just slap me around in front of company or hit me so hard in the back of my head that if felt like my fucking brain shifted. It would be over some of the stupidest shit too.

One time this man that my parents claimed to be his friend TOLD ME to come to the bowling alley and said that my mama said to do so. I trusted these people and these were my parents friends and at the time they were watching me and my brother becacuse once again my parents were gone or away. Well they told my mom that they could not find me after I went to the bowling alley and then did as he said and went back home. Well the guy was covering for himself and instead of my parents being "considerate caring and loving" my mom went in her trunk pulled out her tug-o-war rope, had me strip down to my panties (as usual) and she beat the shit out of me calling me a liar and saying I was disobedient and through the tears and licks I was trying to tell her I was not lying and she accused me of lying on an adult.  Mind you that was not the end of that, when my dad returned from his TDY  a few days later, that same bitch ass couple showed up at our house and was chillin on the couch next to the window that faced the street (I remember like it was yesterday). I was upstairs in my room, scared as shit as always and my dad called me downstairs.  He said to me "So you think you grown?" and commenced to slapping me back and forth across each side of my face from one corner of the room to the next (In front of the couple that lied on me, that my mom still did not ask me about) do  you know AS USUAL no one did nothing to stop it. They sat there and watched as I was beat a young girl being slapped around in that manner by a GROWN ASS MAN.  

That was just ONE incedent.Many my mom is not aware of they got worse when we moved to Hinesville GA and Ft. Leonardwood in MO.  One day my dad asked me what is it that he does to me that I do not like .. I was so damn scared to answer him that I just said one of the MANY things that first popped in my head. I said "I do not like it when you slap me and punch me in my face" .. WTF was I thinking?????????? OMG you would have thought I spit on that damn man .. he went into a rage.  You know what .. a lot of my family saw the bruises and all they would say to me was "you know how he is, you have to stop making them so mad" .. "you know your mama and daddy crazy".  I did things that I am not proud of ..I pawned my mom jewelry and some of her expensive Hummell Figurines and I did things out of anger .. not just because I was bad. I failed the 6th grade .. because I was fucked up mentally and emotionally because not only was I being beat the fuck up and beat with homemade paddles, extension cords and shit .. I cannot remember how many times .. I just wanted my mom to leave him .. I never understood that. One thing I will say that is crazy .. I NEVER EVER in my life saw my dad put his hands on my mother. So I guess I never will understand or forgive her for allowing her to allow her husband a grown as STRONG man to man handle and beat her children the way he did.. .We had a family meeting last summer, for some reason I think my parents think that things are okay, but they have NO IDEA that I have yet to release what is inside of me. They are not ready and do not want to release it. My brother was on my side at first .. but instead of allowing me to release in my way he turned on me sort of .. I aint mad .. but he apologized behind closed doors with me later and said he was wrong for that. I feel like he should have been more open and honest himself with my parents. He did not have it as bad as I did .. but he had it .. ya know .. 

That is just 10% of my story .. I have yet to touch the surface of my family that embarrassed me, used me, abused me and took advantage of the fact they hated my mom's guts and liked nothing about her .. so guess who they took it out on .. 

too be continued .. 

This is why my kids are under my thumb. My boys and I laugh, we play games, I am married to a man that does not believe in putting his hands on women, let alone his on children in that manner. He think it is distrubing and sick that you have to beat your children in ways to make them fear you and not realizing you are killing them inside.  The only things positive out of that is that my parents were very successful in their careers, because at the time that is what mattered most to them. My mother commissioned after serving a few years on the enlisted side served over 20 years and my father at one point was the youngest Command Sergeant Major in the Army.  

I learned how to be a hardball and learned to hide scars, cover up the truth, if I had a black eye he would always say with a smile "you know what to say right?", wear a fake smile, be a butler to the guests that my father would have over at the house (gotta make a good impression).  I was so use to being around different ranks and living next to a 2 Star General for 2 years .. well I guess I was not afraid when it was my turn.  I had no plans growing up to join the Air Force, that was not my dream .. my dream was to be a track star that was my escape track practice, it was the only sport other than bowling that I was allowed to do .. I never really had choices and that is why it is so important for my kids to have choices and try different things and especially sports, I want them to be happy and find what they are good at not what I THINK they should be good at .. they will grow to despise it "trust me".  

I remember playing with different children from different nationalities, backgrounds and I did not care who their dad was on the base, what the parents did .. and honey now adays these kids know so much about rank and status they flaunt that shit and talk that shit in the school and have the nerve to threatened their TEACHERS with it .. like WTF?!?! In my opinion that is learned behavior shawty. Anyway back to me .. I basically because of my upbringing in the Army as a brat .. I do not see color. I see people and I want to learn and adapt. I am still the same way and I am proud of that. However, if I were to go home on leave, take a trip with a few people, hang out with my home girls that are use to only hanging out with black people .. I was always picked on. Somebody in the crowd had always call me out and say "you trying to be white or something?" .. "you talk so damn proper, where are you from?" .. "are you sure you from GA?" .. I mean damn just because I do not talk like someone is holding my tongue and I have to smack my lips every other word, roll my eyes and shit .. does not mean I am trying to be white it just means I have been exposed to different environments and taught how to speak proper English BITCHES.  Let's see how proper  this ass whoopin is, Ima put on yall if you keep messing with me.  

No matter where I go people will be people. I have experienced different forms of racism in and out of uniform.  Hell even by my fellow comrads out there.  I think one thing though that I am really appreciative of are my travels across this planet.  I am very blessed to have experienced things that many people dream of one day laying their eyes on.  You know what I am PROUD of that fact .. may not have always been on the best of terms, longest of stays, stayed too damn long ... or whatever the case .. I can say "I have been there".  

I was talking to my friend Kat and I was telling her that a lot of people think I am bragging, or think I think I am better than them and honestly that is not the case at all. It is just exciting for me and when I see that someone is going or wants to go to a place I have been I have no problems sharing and or offering advice .. nothing wrong with that. I guess I am use to kicking it with people in the military and spouses that can "relate" to that type of talk. We do not look at it  as bragging or anything like that .. it is more like a life line of communication we have.   If I tell someone I have been to Egypt for 3 months that is military the response is "damn how much was the per diem, was it hotter than Jet Li's ass, is it worth the money or should I just go to this country instead? If I tell a civilian this same shit they automatically (from experience) get quiet, look me up and down as if they are thinking "how the hell did your ass afford to go to Egypt or all these places?" and I have even been asked that .. and just simply say the military pretty much pays my way for everything. 

Then you have the stuck up ass spouses who wipe their asses with gold toilet paper every morning when they wake up.   How dare you turn your nose up at me because of "what you think your husband is on this base" or whatever .. when we share somewhat the same tears of sadness, we have a language understood by no outsider and although we may use different acronyms we get each other .. very sad.

 The day I left to go into the Air Force. I went to my dad's office and at the time he was the Post Command Sergeant Major of Ft. Leonardwood MO on August 28th 1995 and he opened his door to his office, people were sitting in their with him, he stood there and I said with an excited look on my face and a smile "Alright Daddy, I am getting ready to go" .. he smirked and said "well alright then" and shut the fucking door to his office. His secretary took me to the airport .. needless to say my parents had to find me VIA RED CROSS .. because I was never looking back .. then I met my husband, I had a son, his name is Desman and my husband said "it is not about you anymore Sasha they have a grandson now, we need to at least try they really want to do right by you" .. but I still have unclosed wounds. I am still healing .. but you know what .. I love my mom more than anything .. she just needs to know. I wish she left and took us with her .. I wish she just STOOD UP FOR ME.  Matter of fact SHE is the one that called Red Cross to find me .. because like I said I was not coming back EVER .. 

I love/loved the military payed my way through college (free), grad school (free) and other certifications and now getting ready to do a little more and thanks to the GI Bill .. I am so excited to spend spend spend .. it has given me opportunities and heart ache. It has allowed me to take my children to places they thought they would only see in textbooks in school or on National Geographic. I could go on and on and on ..

PROUD TO HAVE SERVED NEXT TO MY HUSBAND WHO IS STILL SERVING  IN THE

UNITED STATES AIR FORCE.

Happy Veterans Day