Soldier Girl's Thoughts

{please believe me}

that's all I could remember saying all the time when and if I did tell someone.

that's all I could ever ask for when all those things were happening to me

that's all I could say to myself in my head as I spoke out loud during and after 

then it would stop.

I remember so much .. 

the smell of his breath

the scent of his cologne 

the words he would whisper in my ears

I knew no one would help me due to my own home situation and physical abuse. I mean why would they care. They saw my own father abuse and mistreat me so they knew my body was fair game to whatever they wanted to do to me. I just want people to know that as I write and write that .. 

how many secrets have you ever held on to .. even after it really was NO secret anymore?

 

Step One: Admission

.. admitting that there will be people that think you think your struggles are bigger than theirs. I in know way think that. I am just talking about ME and other people LIKE ME.

.. admitting that everyday you have to worry about what people think of you in regards to first impressions which are lasting

My Journey Pt. 2

...this weekend I am going to work on some LO's and do more research on the children and domestic abuse victims.  I am going to get more in detail about what I am looking for and just put it down on paper, this is actually coming to life, and it feels good to finally do what I said I always would do and get it accomplished, I dont care how long it takes me, because it is not a rushed process, and with my schedule and how sensitive this subject is to me, I dont want to mess up. Wish me luck haha. 

...I was so excited when you all asked if you could help, yes you can, but right now I dont really have a game plan, because I did not expect anyone to offer any help and since it is being given to the charity and not the families dont know if you are still interested,...these albums are not going to the families at all.  Sorry. I am not keeping them for myself either, I might one day make some for me but right now I am not .. the album will be 8x8 only.  Once I get more I will let you know...their are so many kids I want to spotlight..but I will get it done no matter what even if it takes me a year to complete, I dont mind it will be done haha..

I am so tired, I dont even know my elbows from my toes it seems like, getting over this cold, to working and then taking care of sick kids, due to the weather change and oh yah not wanting to stay under the covers at night is taking a toll on my body.  I think I am going to take a break from the internet for a while, and concentrate on what is important to me and completing tasks that I said I was going to set myself out to do ...

So this weekend I am going to be make about 6 baskets and complete some LO's that I owe for some challenges. OH YAH...LOL...how could I forget...I am starting my ALLI this weekend too ... AAACK...anal leakage...who woulda thunk it

I dont..

...want to go back to depression.

...want to go back to being afraid

...want to go back to making bad choices

...want to go back to having bills

...want to go back to my childhood days

...want to go back to negative surroundings

...want to raise my children in fear but firmness

...want to raise men into boys but boys into MEN

...want to raise my fist or my voice

...want to give up so easily

...want to give to unappreciative people

...want to give someone the chance to walk over me

BUT I DO WANT .. to live for what is going to make me HAPPY.

Sasha U. Holloway      4.2.08